My Beard feels Clumpy

Days till Glory: 10

I cant actually remember what or how I felt on that faraway August day when we decided to start preparing for Hunting Season, but I definitely remember how I looked. Clean, fresh, ready to take on another day in the Cube.


That Summer had been filled with the typical preperation for Deer Season like cleaning the jerky machine, freezing beef sticks and freshening scrapes with that perfect mixture of Doe Estrus and Trails End Number 307.

We had somehow decided that all the men in our crew of hunters would start growing beards on September 1st, in order to give our characters more substance and gravitas. (That quickly changed to the first Friday in August, hence my clumpy condition)

The itchy facial hair drove many of the guys in the crew insane, and there were even reports of 'accidential' trimming accidents in the first couple weeks. For reasons I could neither understand nor explain, I decided to keep mine for a while longer.

During those last few weeks of Autumn, my beard was a fresh and soft as crushed velvet...but as the weeks past and my beard grew messier and messier, things quickly got out of hand.

Now, it is 10 days before hunting season and I have ended up with a clumpy, burly mess.

What ever shall I do?

1. Do I shave off the beard and enter the woods unprotected from Wind or Beast
2. Do I ultize the beard as a second Drip by covering myself with #307
3. Do I store my stand lunch in it?

There are several more options I am considering, yet one thing is for certain....My beard is a Clumpy Mess...

The Beard Hierarchy

What determines the quality and status of a Beard? Is it the length, girth or density? Who is the judge and how does one come to a conclusion? There have been many great beards throughout the course of history, all unique in their own way. I believe there are many ways to reach the levels of greatness in the Beard Caste System. The beauty is that no two beards are the same and an individual is only a small thread in the fabric of facial hair fashion.

Take my brother Chuck for example, he has been recognized in the movie industry for over three decades; Return of the Dragon -1973 (feature film debut). Do you think it is all attributed to his Ass-kicking abilities (which I taught him, of course) or his undeniable good looks (we’re identical twins)? No, it is the collaboration of those and many more physical features. For example, who else could last in Hollywood for thirty-three years and not be admired and known for the raising of the proverbial beard growing bar? With grace and power he has taken the world by storm and now has even managed to enter your house every night via Total Gym infomercials. How ingenious is that? He never ceases to amaze me, and has managed to do all of this without a clean-shaven face.

I may sound a little biased towards Chuck but I love him, he’s my brother. However, enough about Chuck, I want to talk about all of the other famous bearded wonders of the world. We had the great Abe Lincoln, who fashioned the stacheless, Amish beard and Dan Hagerty (aka. Grizzly Adams) the keeper of glorious, golden brown thatch. Great men like Zeus, Jesus Christ, Vincent Van Gogh, Sigmond Freud, Ulysses S. Grant, Frederick Douglass, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Jerry Garcia, and Uncle Jesse to pretty much any noble man of the Nineteenth Century and before. These men lived a life of passion, accomplishment and a face full of fur. They were not ashamed of how pretty they looked, but how gloriously they wore the features that God had bestowed upon them.

In today’s age of technology and fear of hair, the bearded man is a scarce breed. He is alone and sometimes stared at as if he were part beast. I say bring the beard back, let it soar trough the wind like the majestic eagle and grow as wild as the dandelions on your freshly cut lawn. To be a bearded man in this day and age is something to be admired and celebrated. So I say…”Go Forth…Be Strong…and Grow Long!”

Ode to Beard!

Grow fast young beard with haste and fury
May the spirit of the Beard Gods bless and hurry
Let every hair know it's noble purpose
To thrive and grow with bountiful surplus
May you keep us warm in times of freeze
And shield us from the glacial breeze
Oh, be bold young beard in all your glory
Thou time hast come to hear your story
Your rugged plight
Your regal sight
Which guards us from the frigid night

Where's the Beard?

Who's the greasy beardless dude in the lower right quadrant? That is just not an acceptable photo (yet funny) for this blog. A wise man once told me "Keep your beard like you love your women...wild and woolly, and out of your soup!"