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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ode To The Treestand Thief

By: Michael Willand

I would like to propose a toast. A toast to the man with no name. The man who walks through my woods without any care, searching for my treestand, my trail cameras, and my fragile piece of mind.

You're so clever! Able to creep in the darkness, wandering from tree to tree, in search of my favorite stand. You're so brave. Able to walk through miles of spider webs strung from tree to tree, without one girlish scream or thought of turning back now. I cannot even fathom the pain you must have endured by the onslaught of mosquitoes that swarmed your cold blood. You must be full of so much pride as you carry away my treestand hung way back in the raspberry thicket. I know I felt great pride when I hung it in 95 degree heat, while ticks crawled up my pants and bees dove around my face.

What of safety!? Did you come alone!? Is it not a general treestand safety rule that one should have another with him/her when he/she are installing or uninstalling a treestand!? After all, I would hate to think that you where careless when in my woods! Did you take the time to put on your safety belt? I really would not wish for harm on you. I mean, I can't speak for others, but I wouldn't want to head into my woods one morning only to find you laying helplessly underneath my stand!

However, I will assume that you are safety conscious because I know that upon hanging that particular stand I also took the time to hang on an extra safety harness tree strap. This way I wouldn't have to do it on opening morning and make so much noise. And since you also took this strap, you must be incredibly safety conscious!

I wonder what sort of man you are, physically? I am guessing you are not of a heavier set. I know this because the tree you took my stand from leaned at a good angle, putting all the weight on your back as you climbed up. A really heavy man would have had much trouble with this. And clearly you were not discouraged by the lack of screw in steps that were in the tree. They were spaced kind of far apart, because I just ran out. I apologize for that! So my guess is, you are at least 6 feet tall and with good upper body strength.

What sort of man are you emotionally? What does it take, inside of you, to be the great thief that you obviously have become!? Are you an only child, raised by the parents who gave you everything you ever wanted, but still you wanted more? Do you just have social or intimacy problems with the opposite sex? Perhaps you're just angry at life, for dealing you such a tough hand. Whatever it is, I guess with you taking Mike Willand's treestand it should help you to better succeed in life. Good job!

Whomever you are, you have now earned my respect. You, treestand thief, needed that one more treestand so bad that you came in the night! In the dark! You took on the heat, the thorns, the insects, and the sweat! You walked up the rolling hills, over water soaked creeks, and through a small swamp to achieve your goal! And tomorrow when you set that stand you so rightfully stole from me, it will all be worth it for you!

Just remember to cross off my name that is etched into the stand 3 TIMES! I wouldn't want the game warden, whom I contacted, to see you with that stand. Then he may feel the need to arrest you, and I just don't want that to be on MY conscience. Then I'll have to help file paper work, press charges, and maybe even have to pick you out in a line-up. Although I have never seen your face, I think the physical description I have in my head should be pretty darn near accurate.

With this, I solute you, oh Treestand Thief.

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